my scattered thoughts on Liz and the Blue Bird

i've finally done it....i've finally rewatched liz. after the arson, i couldn't bring myself to watch it. i was afraid that i wouldn't love it as much as i did back then, that something that was once so important to me wouldn't have the same emotional impact as it had on me back then. but of course, as is always the case with great anime--ymd anime in particular--it managed to pull me in for what still remains as one of the most intimately cathartic experiences i've ever had in anime. and you know what? my reaction now was so much bigger than when i first watched it.

all the way in 2018, i saw this movie back when it was still in theaters. i'll admit, i didn't really understand it at the time. tbf i was still enraptured by it, confident that it was a 10/10 all-time favorite, but i couldn't yet understand why. at the time, i've still probably seen less than 100 anime. these days, this is what my list looks like now. i've had so much time and experience since watching anime, and implicitly understanding the artistic choices that are on screen. and when you're watching a yamada film, where the vast majority of the characters' emotions is communicated nonverbally, having an extensive vocabulary in media literacy can only enhance your experience with this film.

i can't explain how gratifying this experience was... every shot just communicated so much with so little. there was only two settings in the entire film. the storybook, and the school. that's it. the film is necessarily limited. nozomi mentioned going to a festival with mizore, and they did end up going, but we don't see a single moment of that. mizore invited nozomi to come to the pool with her, and all we get is this single photo on a phone!!!

these mentions of the outside world, while refusing to actually show it shows the level of restraint yamada had with this movie, truly displaying this new experimental era of her career. the nonverbal communication isn't there for the sake of itself, it's there to signify the lack of communication between nozomi and mizore. the first two "i love you" hug scenes are the best example of this, where mizore has so much to say, and all of it goes unsaid when nozomi walks away.

another underrated scene for me is this scene with nozomi and niiyama-sensei.

nozomi ended up explaining her feelings regarding this later in the film, but at this point those feelings have still gone unsaid, and yet you could feel the full brunt of the emotions here. with the teacher approaching mizore about music school, signifying her skill; while nozomi is the one who has to approach niiyama-sensei. we could see the contrast between the two scenes, where niiyama-sensei has so much advice to give to mizore, while all she has for nozomi is a brief "feel free to ask me for advice". it's so subtle, but that in itself says so much about their relationship in this part of the movie.

i also want to talk about the actual storybook in the film, and the shifting roles the characters played in nozomi/mizore's relationship. to put it briefly, both of them had previously been thinking that mizore was liz, and nozomi was the blue bird. but by the end of it, those roles switched, and this is conveyed as the point when the "disjoint" turned into the "d̶i̶sjoint". but i don't think their previous interpretation was wrong either. yamada was raised on kyoani's philosophy of seeing their characters not merely as Fictional Characters, but as People. and the same thing can be applied here. Characters are symbols, abstractions that represent certain ideas that we can identify with/relate to. but People are complex, with so many different and often contradictory layers that it's impossible to relate to everything about a person.

so in reality, there's truth to both of these perspectives. mizore is liz, because she was that lonely girl whose life was burst into by the blue bird. she realizes that the bird is holding herself back to stay together, so she sets her free. it was at that point where mizore stopped relating to her—she just couldn't understand why liz would set the bird free. it's only when niiyama-sensei tells her to change perspectives, to think of herself as the blue bird in this scenario—that maybe she's the one who's holding herself back to stay together with nozomi.

nozomi goes through the exact same change here, but in the opposite direction. she thought of herself as the blue bird, holding herself back to stay together with mizore. she forced herself to walk along the same path as mizore to music school, even though her true calling lied elsewhere. but once she started putting herself in mizore's shoes, she comes to realize that she is also liz, afraid to let mizore go. perhaps in their version of the story, liz tries to fly with the blue bird, in the same way nozomi is forcing herself to go to music school. but of course, a regular old human like her doesn't have wings; she can't force herself into a role that she doesn't have the same calling for as the blue bird.

this shifting in roles, two opposite perspectives moving to the other side, meeting in the middle...it all culminates in the "i love you" hug scene. the real one this time. where everything that has gone unsaid is finally able to be said out loud in a burst of emotion. after they both held themselves back for so long, because to communicate these feelings means to eventually say goodbye...but forever being in this awkward state where they're putting distance between one another is an even worse scenario

and so, they talk. and finally, probably for the first time since nozomi returned to the band, they have an honest conversation. so many bottled-up emotions, bursting out at once. so many months of unsaid lines is impossible to say in one single conversation, so all mizore is able to put into words is this: "I love the way you laugh. I love the way you talk. I love your footsteps. I love your hair. I... I love everything about..." mizore declares her love to nozomi, in spite--no, because of their decision to walk down different paths. this is their goodbye to one another, and yet it's also a declaration of love. even within this honest conversation, there's so many layers of it that goes unsaid, and yet when you watch it you can understand it perfectly. that, that is the true experience watching a yamada anime. there truly is nothing else like it. just like how mizore couldn't possibly put into words how much nozomi means to her, i also can't possibly put into words the effect this movie, and all of yamada's works has on me.

and just to put a ribbon on top to tie everything together, we get a scene at the end that directly contrasts with the beginning. whereas in the first scene mizore is following in nozomi's footsteps, sticking directly behind her and taking the exact same path;

in the final scene, they're on different, parallel paths.

even in the part where they're in different locations, yamada frames them parallel to one another, on opposite sides of the screen (especially the part where they turn opposite directions 😭😭😭 (oh and the part where they walk outside of the school gates, when this whole time the school was symbolizing the cage that they were holding themselves into??? STOP IT YAMADA I CAN'T TAKE ITTTTTT)). they're walking together, just like before, but this time mizore isn't walking on nozomi's path. they may be on different paths, and there will be times when they will be apart, but it's in their act of walking forward on their own paths that binds them together. before, mizore walked behind nozomi, wanting to keep her close--but in doing so she ended up creating even more distance between them. and now, mizore has the courage to step out of nozomi's path and walk next to her. they may not be physically close to each other anymore, but they certainly are emotionally closer than ever. and then, to end it with "d̶i̶sjoint", and leaving us with quite possibly yamada's most impressive work to this day. and all of it (and i mean all of it) taking place within a single school. physically small, but emotionally, monumentally huge. truly the perfect film to illustrate everything great about yamada's ouevre of works.